thanks for the awesome solo tour folks!!

here’s a breakdown of how I will spend–and have already spent–your money:
$350-to replace a significant portion of my vehicle’s exhaust system, which simply fell off the belly of my car at 4:00 am, pulling into the 4900 block of Hazel Ave, after an overnight drive
$350-the unpaid parking tickets i got busted for in south philly two days later, and subsequent boot-release fee
$400-insuranceless wisdom tooth removal
$100-hippy supplements to soothe my dry socket (budgeting in advance, for i know what’s coming to me)
$1.6m-cost to replace of all of mine and my roommate’s fragile life items i have broken in the last two weeks, due to insufficient bodily balance due to extreme toothache due to wisdom tooth coming in even though i am way too old for this shit
$2trillion-cost of recuperational (yes mom, i know that’s not a real word) therapy for saturn being in its return or whatever. and they said it was my golden year!!!!!!
$700-ticket to europe, however by this point i’m out of $$$; sadly, this may force me to sell my complete set of 90210 playing cards.

what else…

honestly, there are so many other things going on, it’s insane! my friend chris is doing his best to wrap me up like a little burrito in his totally peace-inducing theories about how i’m so silly to question the world’s ways, its harsh loving techniques for grounding my ass in light of what awesomely absurd shit lurks right around the corner: shimmering waves of unstoppable blinging ass fame for des ark, following the [ever?] release of Don’t Rock the Boat, Sink the Fucker. here are some examples of what chris is talking about, although i made these up, but i listen to way more top 40 radio than he does so my brain is much better equipped ie brain-melt for these types of fantasies: so yeah, like, for instance, pretty soon des ark will be lohan’s first call from cell block #9, and The Boss will be begging (so cute…but kind of sad, too!) his manager “Yo, can you PUHLEEEZE get us on that fucking Des Ark tour?”…for when i get my wisdom teeth pulled like every day just because i can, because i figured out how to stop throwing up opioid analgesics, thereby rendering manageable the pain of having lifelong roots sawed & cranked & wrenched out of my jaw, and so suddenly it’s some no biggie bubble gum thing and the thought of having to buy pain to relieve pain doesn’t lead me down a dark dangerous out of control mind imagine path of my life asleep in a wet box outside of the house where i used to live.

so anyway, what am i saying here? um, i dunno. do you have any money? are you rich? do you want to invest in me? i will be honest with you, i am completely unreliable (in some, but not all ways), impossible to get in touch with, pretty positive, on extraordinary occasions i get so excited about something that i start crying (it’s adorable, after it stops freaking you out), i don’t give birthday presents because my dad taught me to consider your high-end vintage taste year-round at yard sales, basically i’m like a pet you can’t keep. adopt me!

is this the worst resumé ever?

this post is so stupid, i can’t believe you read it! here are updated tour dates!

*solo shows denoted with [solo]*

**************OCTOBER**************
10.12.10 [solo] NEW YORK NY @ THE BOWERY BALLROOM w/Bowerbirds, Death Vessel
10.15.10 [solo] BOSTON MA @ T.T. THE BEAR’S PLACE w/Bowerbirds, Death Vessel
10.20 FRANKFURT GERMANY @ IVI
10.21 GÖTTINGEN GERMANY @ T KELLER
10.22 AACHEN GERMANY @ AZ
10.23 NANCY FRANCE @ CHAPITEAU (FESTIVAL MICHTO)
10.24 LYON FRANCE @ GRRND ZERO
10.25 STRASBOURG FRANCE @ MOLODOI
10.26 ORLEANS FRANCE @ 5EME AVE
10.27 RENNES FRANCE @ L’ANTIPODE
10.28 VENDOME FRANCE @ MINOTAURE (FESTIVAL ROCKOMOTIVES)
10.29 FRANCE @ TBA
10.30 PARIS FRANCE @ GLAZART
10.31 BLAINVILLE SUR MER FRANCE @ SALLE DE LA LOUVERIE

**************NOVEMBER**************
11.02 NETHERLANDS @ TBA
11.03 HANNOVER GERMANY @ STURMGLOCKE
11.04 BREMEN GERMANY @ SPEDITION
11.05 BRAUNSCHWEIG GERMANY @ NEXUS
11.06 BERLIN GERMANY @ SCHOCKALADEN
11.07 WURZBURG GERMANY @ IMMERHIN
11.08 MUNICH GERMANY @ KAFE KULT
11.09 NÜRNBURG NUTNBURG @ K4
11.10 WINTERTHUR SWITZERLAND @ KRAFTFELD
11.11 FREIBURG GERMANY @ TBA
11.12 BASEL SWITZERLAND @ TBA
11.13 ST ETIENNE FRANCE @ L’ASSOMOIR
11.14 FRANCE @ TBA
11.15 FRANCE @ TBA
11.16 ANGERS FRANCE @ L’ETINCELLE
11.17 FRANCE NANTES @ LIEU UNIQUE (FESTIVAL BATTANANTES)
11.18 SAINT-NAZIARE FRANCE @ VIP
11.19 FRANCE @ TBA
11.20 FRANCE @ TBA
11.22 GIESSEN GERMANY @ AK44

**************DECEMBER**************
12.07.10 [solo] MÜNSTER GERMANY @ SPECOPS
12.08.10 [solo] MÜLHEIM GERMANY @ GALERIA
12.09.10 [solo] BIELEFED GERMANY @ AJZ
12.10.10 [solo] GERMANY TBA
12.11.10 [solo] GERMANY TBA
12.12.10 [solo] GERMANY TBA
12.13.10 [solo] SWITZERLAND TBA
12.14.10 [solo] GENOVA ITALY @ KITCHEN
12.15.10 [solo] LUCCA ITALY @ BLUE
12.16.10 [solo] AREZZO ITALY @ BISTRO
12.17.10 [solo] BOLOGNA ITALY @ XM24
12.18.10 [solo] FORLI ITALY @ TBA
12.19.10 [solo] MANTOVA ITALY @ LA BOJE
12.20.10 [solo] AUSTRIA TBA
12.21.10 [solo] WIEN AUSTRIA @ RHIZ
12.22.10 [solo] PRAGUE CZECH REPUBLIC @ REKOMANDO SHOP
12.23.10 [solo] JINDRICHUV CZECH REPUBLIC @ BAR 69
12.24.10 [solo] BEROUN CZECH REPUBLIC @ JINA KAVA
12.25.10 [solo] GERMANY TBA
12.26.10 [solo] GERMANY TBA
12.27.10 [solo] GERMANY TBA
12.28.10 [solo] GERMANY TBA
12.29.10 [solo] HANNOVER GERMANY @ TBA
12.30.10 [solo] BRAUNSCHWEIG GERMANY @ TBA
12.31.10 [solo] BERLIN GERMANY @ SCHOKOLADEN

**************JANUARY**************
01.02.11 [solo] GÖTTINGEN GERMANY @ TBA
01.03.11 [solo] DRESDEN GERMANY @ TBA

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