but this is the year i’ve decided to get “into” sports. more specifically, i am going to become a football fan!

what follows are my notes on a conversation with a friend this morning (btw, this whole entire post is completely non-music related), who i called to be like “dude, i’m sorry but i gotta bail on camping sunday, because i uh, well something came up, i mean sundays are kinda bad for me now, from now on anyway, and um, hey so like, what are your thoughts on football?

but then to my surprise he was really supportive, which is an understatement because what in fact happened, before he responded–anyway this is what i’m pretty sure i could tell was happening from the other end of the line–was that in his mind he was like oh man, i gotta sit down for this one as he pushed through the old busted screen door of his house, sunk into a broke ass rocking chair on the front porch, poking his fingers around the ashtray till he found a half-smoked cigarette from earlier, took a long thoughtful drag and then at that point i bet he probably propped his right leg onto his left knee, resting his left hand on the right ankle and then he goes:

“aimée, the average football game lasts 3.5 hours.”

pausing, considering carefully, he continued…

“aimée, how much time do you think you actually spend watching the game? i mean like real, actual football playing?

13 minutes. that’s all you get is 13 minutes of actual football action

the rest is closeups of cheerleaders,
closeups of fans,
closeups of players,
and other game hoopla bullshit

so what you need to do
is make an event out of watching the game
like my brother, and mike, like they do. they make an event out of it, they know what they’re doing, they’ve been doing this for years

first off,
ok so first off dont get drunk, cuz if you get drunk and your team loses, then yr fucked

i mean we get drunk but our team sucks, they’ve always sucked and we know that so it’s ok

and wear something warm, even if it’s hot in yr house because it gets you in the football mood

and commercials. dont watch one single commercial. make sure you have an activity planned for the commercials. we go outside and smoke cigarettes, but you can go outside and toss around the pigskin, um, you know, stretch your legs, something. oh! you could have a magazine, yeah go get yourself a magazine, and then when the commercials come on, open up the magazine, hit mute on the television and read an article. and then when the commercials are done you will have read the article.

here’s the most important thing, and you probably won’t have a problem with this since you’re new at it:

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, PERSONALLY INVEST ANY EMOTIONAL REAL ESTATE INTO THE OUTCOME OF THE GAME. this is really important. because if you do, you might fuck up the rest of your week. but if you ever get to that point, like, ‘FUUUUUUUUCK,’ then you need to call me and i’ll talk you off the ledge.”

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